Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but children often experience the impact in ways that parents may not fully anticipate. As both a divorce attorney who has advised hundreds of families and a child of divorce himself, John Cannon understands firsthand how the process affects children at every stage. The emotions change throughout the divorce and continue to evolve long after the process is complete, and every child responds differently to the situation.
For parents going through divorce in Oklahoma, being aware of the opportunities to minimize the negative impact on your children is one of the most important considerations throughout the process. While the co-parenting journey will be different for every child and every family, understanding what to look for and how to respond can make a meaningful difference in how your children navigate this challenging time.
Recognizing the Warning Signs
Although most things are not constant in children’s lives as they change, mature, and grow, there are certain sudden and abrupt changes that should cause concern during the divorce process. These changes can be signs that your child is processing emotions or trauma related to what is happening in their family.
One common warning sign involves a shift in your child’s social behavior. If your child has typically been an extrovert who enjoys spending time with friends and suddenly never wants to go out, stays home all the time, and does not speak to anyone, this may indicate they are going through something related to the divorce. On the opposite side, if your child has always been more of an introvert who keeps to themselves and is now out all the time, talking constantly, and interacting with people far more often than normal, this can also be a cause for concern.
The key is to watch for sudden and abrupt changes in how your children behave, how they talk, and how they react to situations. These shifts can be signs that they are processing emotions related to the divorce, whether intentionally or simply as a response to the trauma they are experiencing. Being attentive to these changes allows you to step in and provide support when your child needs it most.
Responding to Emotional and Behavioral Changes
If you see emotional or behavioral changes in your kids during the divorce process, it is likely an opportunity for you to parent and interact in that situation to help them through. While parents are not always the best people positioned to deal with every issue their children face, you can definitely be a resource for them and help connect them with the support they need.
Consider reaching out to a school counselor who can keep an eye on your child during the school day and provide a safe space for them to talk. A counselor or mentor through your church or another community organization can also be valuable. Coaches and teachers are often important figures in children’s lives, and letting them know what your child is going through can help them respond appropriately if issues arise during practice, games, or class.
When the leadership people in your child’s life understand what is happening at home, they can recognize that behavioral changes or acting out have a reason behind them. This awareness allows them to respond with compassion rather than simply disciplining behavior they do not understand. Building this network of support around your child can make a significant difference in how they experience the divorce process.
Creating a Safe Space for Your Child
One of the most important things you can do for your children during divorce is to create a safe space for them to deal with their emotions. This means keeping an open ear, an open mind, and an open heart as they navigate their feelings about what is happening in their family.
Children’s emotions will change as they go through the divorce process and in the time frame afterwards. What they feel in the early stages may be very different from what they experience months or years later. Being available and receptive to wherever they are emotionally at any given time helps them feel supported and understood.
It is also important to recognize that every child is different. Some children are very emotionally charged and respond powerfully to situations that cause strong feelings. Others are more shut off and do not communicate openly about their emotions. Understanding your child’s personality and emotional tendencies can help you identify the best ways to support them through this time.
The Role of Trusted Adults
Children benefit from having trusted adults in their lives beyond their parents, especially during difficult times like divorce. These connections can provide additional support and give children someone to confide in who is not directly involved in the family situation.
Consider whether your child is involved in activities that give them access to other adults they trust. Sports teams, youth groups, church activities, and other community involvement can all provide these connections. Coaches, youth leaders, teachers, and other mentors can serve as valuable resources for children who need someone outside the family to talk to.
As a child of divorce, John Cannon credits his parents’ openness and support of his connections with other trusted adults as playing a major role in his healthy transition during their divorce. Being involved in sports and youth group provided him with adults he knew and trusted who he could confide in during the process. Encouraging your children to maintain and strengthen these connections can give them additional support beyond what you can provide as a parent.
Should Your Child Go to Therapy?
Whether children should participate in therapy during divorce is a question that must be answered on a case by case basis. Some kids never choose to go through counseling or do not need it. Others do need that support but will never speak up to ask for it. As a parent, it is important to be attentive to your child’s needs and open to the possibility that professional support could be beneficial.
Consider your child’s emotional tendencies. Are they someone who responds very powerfully to emotional situations? Or are they more closed off and unlikely to communicate openly about what they are feeling? Also consider whether they have other trusted adults in their life who can serve as informal counselors or confidants. Children who have those resources already in place may be less likely to need a professional counselor, but every situation is different.
Regardless of whether your child ultimately participates in therapy, it is important that they know there is nothing wrong with going to counseling. Let them know that you support them seeking this kind of help if they need it. Normalizing therapy as a healthy resource rather than something to be ashamed of can make it easier for your child to ask for help if they need it.
Supporting Your Child’s Relationship with Both Parents
Research, personal experiences of children of divorce, and the courts all advocate for supporting a child’s opportunity to have a good relationship with both parents. You may no longer be in love with your spouse or want to be with them, but it is important that your child sees the opportunity for a continued healthy relationship with both of their parents.
There are certainly circumstances where maintaining a relationship with the other parent is not safe or advisable. But if possible, let the child or the court be the ones to determine when that relationship is not appropriate. Your role should be to support your child in pursuing a healthy relationship with their other parent, even if the dynamics of that relationship have changed.
Supporting this relationship benefits your own connection with your child in the long term. Children often recognize and appreciate when a parent puts their wellbeing above personal feelings toward the other parent. As long as it is in fact safe and not traumatic for your child to be in a relationship with the other parent, your support of that relationship demonstrates that you have their best interests at heart.
At Cannon & Associates, we have helped hundreds of Oklahoma families navigate divorce while keeping children’s wellbeing at the center of the process. We understand the challenges parents face and can provide guidance on how to minimize the negative impact on your children.