One of the most difficult moments in the divorce process is telling your children that their family is changing. How you handle this conversation can have a lasting impact on how your children process the divorce and begin to grieve the changes in their family. Understanding when and how to have this conversation is essential for Oklahoma parents who want to minimize trauma and set their children up for a healthy transition.
As a divorce attorney who has worked with hundreds of families and as a child of divorce himself, John Cannon has seen both good and bad approaches to this critical conversation. The way his own parents told him about their divorce, in a constructive and safe manner that gave him time to process the situation, made a significant difference in his experience. This perspective informs the guidance Cannon & Associates provides to families navigating this challenging moment.
How Much Should You Tell Your Kids?
One of the most common questions parents ask is how much they should tell their children about the divorce. The answer depends on your specific family situation, but there are some general principles to keep in mind.
First, recognize that children are more observant than we give them credit for. They have likely seen the issues between you and your spouse earlier than you believe. Arguments, tension, and changes in how you interact with each other do not go unnoticed by children, even when parents think they are hiding these problems effectively.
Once a decision has been made that you and your spouse are going to go through the divorce process, that is usually the right time to tell your child about the fact that you are getting divorced. Waiting too long can leave children confused about changes they are already sensing, while telling them before any decision has been made can create unnecessary anxiety about something that may not happen.
However, every situation and every family dynamic is different. Think long and hard about your specific circumstances before making a decision about what to tell your children and when. This is one of the most important topics of conversation to have early on with your divorce attorney, who can help you think through the best approach for your particular family.
When to Have the Conversation
Timing matters when telling your children about divorce. While there may never be a perfect moment, there are certainly times that are worse than others.
If possible, avoid telling your kids about the divorce immediately before an important event in their life. You should not tell them the day before a big game, an important test, or another significant occasion. These events require their focus and emotional energy, and learning about the divorce right beforehand can make it impossible for them to be present and perform their best.
Instead, try to find a time when your children will have the opportunity to process their emotions for at least a couple of days before any major event. This gives them space to begin working through their feelings without the added pressure of needing to immediately shift their attention to something else.
Of course, there are circumstances where waiting is not possible or where safety concerns require having the conversation sooner rather than later. Use your judgment about what is appropriate for your specific situation, but when you have flexibility about timing, err on the side of giving your children more time to process before they need to face other challenges.
How to Have the Conversation
Beyond timing, how you tell your children about the divorce also matters significantly. There is a good way and a bad way to approach this conversation, and the difference can affect how your children begin processing the news.
If it is possible and safe to do so, sit down with both parents and the child together for this conversation. Having both parents present allows for a candid conversation where everyone is in the room and on the same page. It demonstrates to your child that despite the changes happening in the family, both parents are still united in caring for them and being present for them.
When both parents are together for this conversation, it also prevents the child from hearing different versions of events or feeling caught in the middle from the very beginning. They can ask questions and receive answers from both parents, which helps them feel more secure about what is happening.
However, there are many circumstances where having both parents present is not possible or not safe. If the relationship between you and your spouse is too contentious, if there are safety concerns, or if the environment would not be appropriate for a constructive conversation, then having both parents present may do more harm than good. In these situations, it is better to have the conversation separately than to create a tense or frightening environment for your child.
This is another important area to discuss with your divorce attorney. An experienced family law attorney has worked with many families on how to approach this conversation and can help you identify the best course of action for your specific circumstances.
Setting Your Child Up to Process Their Emotions
The goal of telling your children about the divorce is not just to inform them of the facts. It is to set them up to begin processing their emotions in a healthy way. How you handle this conversation can reduce the likelihood of it being a traumatic experience and help your child begin the process of grieving.
Children will experience a range of emotions when they learn about their parents’ divorce. They may feel sad, angry, confused, scared, or even relieved depending on their age and what they have observed in the household. All of these responses are normal, and your job is to create space for whatever emotions arise.
Let your children know that it is okay to feel whatever they are feeling. Avoid dismissing their emotions or rushing them through their reactions. Give them permission to ask questions, even if you do not have all the answers yet. The security they feel in being able to express themselves openly will serve them well throughout the divorce process.
Ongoing Communication Throughout the Process
Telling your children about the divorce is not a one-time conversation. Their emotions and questions will evolve as the process unfolds, and you will need to continue communicating with them along the way.
Be prepared for your children to ask the same questions multiple times as they process what is happening. Be patient with these repeated questions and answer them consistently. Children often need to hear information multiple times before it fully sinks in, especially when they are dealing with difficult emotions.
Keep the lines of communication open so your children feel comfortable coming to you with questions or concerns as they arise. Let them know that you are available to talk whenever they need to, and follow through on that promise when they take you up on it.
Finding Additional Support
While you play an important role in helping your children through this process, you do not have to do it alone. There are many resources available to help children cope with divorce, and connecting your child with appropriate support can make a significant difference.
School counselors can provide a safe space for your child during the school day and can watch for signs that they are struggling. Coaches, teachers, and other trusted adults can also be part of your child’s support network. If your child is involved in church or other community activities, mentors in those settings can provide additional guidance and support.
Professional therapy may also be appropriate for some children. Whether your child needs counseling depends on their individual situation, their emotional tendencies, and what other resources they have available. The most important thing is that your child knows therapy is an option and that there is nothing wrong with seeking that kind of help if they need it.
Working with Your Divorce Attorney
Navigating how to tell your children about divorce and how to support them through the process are topics that benefit from professional guidance. Your divorce attorney can provide perspective based on experience with hundreds of families and can help you think through the best approach for your specific situation.
At Cannon & Associates, we understand that your children’s wellbeing is a top priority during the divorce process. We work with Oklahoma families to minimize the negative impact on children while helping parents achieve fair outcomes in their divorce cases.